Of The Birds and the Fees
by QueenCheetah
Summary: Bakura really wants to buy something, but for once he definitely can't obtain it through illegal means. But when it comes to fast cash, the city always offers a few options; though you may regret taking them in the end... A two-part, humorous look at what happens when a bad guy tries to do something good- and fails most spectacularly.
1. Chapter 1

_(Part 1 of 2- I can't even begin to apologize for this concept; so... enjoy, I guess? *Shrug*.)_

Roughly three years ago, the Egyptian gods made an offer to the deceased duelists known as the 'yami's'. They would all be granted a second chance at life and salvation- but only if they were tied to their more sensible hikari's. This was considered a 'fail-safe' way to keep the world from falling under the threat of dark shadows once again.

Eager to be reunited with his beloved _aibou_ , the Pharaoh's spirit eagerly agreed. Of course, Bakura and Marik both figured they could find some loophole later on, and they also accepted the bargain. But this backfired when they realized that not only were the Egyptian deities still clever, but also devious and vengeful. Bakura had tried to use shadow magic shortly after his arrival- which made him shrink down to just below Yugi's height for the rest of the week. He'd had to hide inside his lighter half's house, lest he be seen and mocked by the others.

Likewise, Marik later attempted some sort of villainy (he refused to elaborate on the particulars) and had ended up mute for three days. It was rather amusing, Malik later recalled, watching his darker side's face growing red with frustration as he tried to bellow threats at everyone with no success.

Yet as time passed on, and the darker yami's began to (very slowly) accept their limitations... well, mortal closeness slowly bloomed into physical closeness as well. Despite their differences, there was no denying that Malik and Marik had once been the same entity- and they grew into what was possibly the most unorthodox relationship to ever exist. But the Egyptian divinities saw no harm in this (unprecedented) unity, and declared that anything keeping both of the golden-haired deviants distracted was allowable.

Ryou and his darker counterpart were a bit slower to catch on- despite everything they shared, it was clear that the once-Thief King and the kindly student were very different. But then Ryou had actually saved the overly-arrogant yami from a group of street thugs that he'd insulted. Though he was sullen about being indebted to his ' _yadonushi_ ', the older duelist eventually realized that all the qualities he admired in his other half were even stronger despite the trials they'd endured. Ryou was kind, clever, witty, and even a bit devious (thought that may have been influenced partly by hosting an evil spirit for so long).

So somewhere between the shared horror movie-marathons and their many ill-fated mall excursions... they fell for each other. Of course, being as stubborn and ignorant as always; Yami Bakura couldn't admit this even to himself, much less his hikari. But then Ryou was asked on a weekend date by a handsome classmate, leading Bakura to try every trick in the book to dissuade the other from going. Confused and frustrated, Ryou finally demanded that Bakura explain exactly _why_ he shouldn't go on a date with Harumi... leading the similarly-frustrated yami to give up, grab his _hikari_ , and pull him into a very heated kiss.

Evidently this was enough of an answer, as Ryou politely declined Harumi's invitation the very next day.

But now, something was different. Something was wrong, and Ryou Bakura was certain of it. He was following his boyfriend of roughly two years deep into the city- a place the other rarely went even with his partner. 'What on Earth could he be up to now...'

It all started three weeks ago. After all, Ryou could count on one hand the number of times they'd gone a full week without sex since they'd first kissed. That one time Bakura caught the flu, the time Ryou had to go out of town while college-scouting, that time they'd gotten into a serious argument over some of Bakura's neighborhood misdeeds...

But for the past three weeks, Bakura had been incredibly dodgy about any intimacy. It was almost like he felt guilty or something; trying to dance around the subject without addressing it directly.

'Why would he suddenly not want to be close-? He doesn't seem mad about something, and neither of us is ill...' Ryou felt his concerns growing as his darker half turned a corner. He'd barely made it around the edge himself, when he saw the white-haired thief heading up the steps of a modest brick building with a low roof. The smaller duelist quickly found a small alleyway across the street, to better survey the other's unusual movements.

'Wait- I know that place! We saw it last time we went downtown- Malik even cracked a few jokes about it after finding out it was mainly designated as a sperm... bank...' Ryou felt his jaw drop as he saw his other half step calmly inside. 'No... he _wouldn't_...' The modern teen stared in disbelief as the doors closed behind Bakura. The yami didn't immediately walk out in annoyance or disgust, as though he'd misread the building's address or something. Ryou felt his stomach drop as time passed on, his phone's clock tracking every passing second.

All sorts of thoughts ran through Ryou's head as he waited anxiously for his ancient partner to re-appear. 'This has to be a prank of some sort- like when he tried to get my attention just before we started dating. He's just doing this to mess with me, and any minute now he's going to come back out and laugh at my expression... after all, he wouldn't even have any reason to go to a place like that unless he desperately needed... money... oh...' The modest teen's knees nearly buckled as he realized what was most likely happening. 'He swore he'd stop most of his stealing... but he still likes expensive things, like steak, and steak _knives_... oh no...'

It was well over half-an-hour before the pale Egyptian reappeared.

Ryou felt his stomach churning as he watched his partner finally step back down onto the sidewalk. 'He _wouldn't_... he _**didn't**_...'

But sure enough, Bakura had a fresh check in his hand and was clearly looking it over; as though in deep thought.

Ryou felt something snap inside of him, and he raced across the street to confront the mulish thief.

The distracted man didn't even look up until he'd nearly run into the very irate hikari.

 **"Bakura."** Ryou's tone was dead flat as he stood on the sidewalk in front of his partner. His arms were folded in a challenging pose, and his eyes narrowed as he waited for a response.

 _'Oh sh*t...'_ The former thief tried to put on a disarming smile as he stepped towards his lover. "Silly _hikari_ \- did you really miss me enough to chase me down?"

But this move backfired, as the mocking words only seemed to enrage the teen further. "How. _How_ could you _do_ this?!" Ryou tried not to outright scream, but the emotions flooding through his voice were irrepressible. "You never discussed this with me\- _not even once!_ "

The red-eyed thief sighed and raised his hands in a defensive gesture. "Relax, _yadonushi_ \- you're making a big deal out of nothin-"

All thoughts of self-control flew out the window at that point, and Ryou outright bellowed: _"ARE YOU SERIOUS?! THIS IS A LIFE-CHANGING EVENT!"_

Even the former spirit of the ring was baffled by his light's reaction, and he tried to speak. But he was quickly shut down.

Ryou lowered his voice just a bit, though the tone was still profoundly furious. _"_ _Are you even ready to be a_ _father_ _?! Do you know how many_ _ **kids**_ _this might even result in?!"_

"Wait- **what?"** Bakura seemed genuinely astonished by Ryou's hastily uttered concerns. "Father? Kids?! What _'kids'?!_ "

Sensing a deeper problem, Ryou nearly groaned as he tried to find a 'public-friendly' explanation for his deluded partner. "You just went into a _sperm bank_ and came out with a check- which means you sold them the 'stuff' they need to impregnate _random women!"_

"Wha- wait, you mean... no..." Bakura looked like he'd just gotten off a side-ways rollercoaster. "You mean... _they're gonna..."_

Ryou now had his hands on his hips, though his expression was still one of sharp disgust. "What did you _think_ they would do with it?!"

"I dunno!" The bewildered yami looked lost as he nearly wailed in confusion. "You're always going on and on, bragging about how modern science and medicine is so great! I thought they were using the plant cells or some sh*t to make new hearts or something!"

"That's 'stem' cells, you goof!" Ryou rubbed his temples as he tried to keep from shouting again. "-and no, that's not something they can do (yet)! No, they're going to impregnate women with your 'stuff,' and **you'll** be the father!"

Bakura's face drained of all color and he let out a small burp. "But... they can't do that!"

"WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HAD TO SIGN SO MANY FORMS?!" Ryou was nearly back to howling now. **"YOU** **IDIOT** **!"**

"... _hikari_ , I think I'm going to be sick." Bakura covered his mouth and groaned, falling to his knees.

Ryou finally took pity on his partner, and knelt down on the concrete sidewalk next to him. "Bakura..."

The overwhelmed duelist let out a groan as he grabbed his now-aching head. "I thought I was doing a _**good**_ thing! You're always going on and on about 'helping' people!"

Ryou frowned- he'd once volunteered at a hospital and he knew a few things about these sorts of 'donations' and adoptions. "Wait- on the forms, did you choose the 'open' or 'closed' option?!"

Clearly disoriented, the kneeling yami could only mumble, "the 'open' option paid like, five times as much- why?"

"Oh boy." Ryou shook his head and quietly elaborated. "That's even worse- that means that the children can find you one day and ask you questions and want to spend time with you-"

"I'll move back to Egypt. I'll live in that damned tomb keeper's hole until I'm the only one left alive." The thief muttered obstinately. "This is such bullsh*t."

"Well, maybe if you'd bothered to _learn_ how to read Japanese..."

"It's a complicated language, alright?! Besides, I was doing just fine before this..."

Ryou tactfully decided not to mention all the times Bakura had called him in a panic because he'd gotten on the wrong train. 'Although now I know exactly how far Hokkaido's 'B' line runs...' Instead, he placed on hand on the despondent yami's shoulder and calmly declared, "there won't be a problem. We just need to return all the money you got, and they'll 'sell' everything back to you."

"No..." Bakura muttered sullenly. "They won't."

"What? Why not?"

The white-haired Egyptian buried his face in his knees as he added, "because I don't have it. It's gone."

"Wha- you spent it _all_ already?!" Ryou felt flabbergasted- he knew that any one of those payments would've been quite substantial, and Bakura had evidently been going for weeks. "On WHAT?!"

"Is that really the issue here?!" Bakura responded mulishly. "Let's just say it's _gone_ and leave it at that!"

"Um, _**no**_ , we are _NOT_ just going to 'leave it at that!'" Ryou glared at the obstinate yami. "You are going to return whatever it is you bought with those checks, and then _we're_ going to give it back so we can get your 'stuff' back!"

Again, Bakura began speaking to his kneecaps. "I _can't_!" His entire form seemed to deflate as he admitted, "I haven't paid enough yet... they won't give the money back until I've paid everything."

"Bakura, I _swear_ ; if you've borrowed money from the _Yakuza_ or something..."

"NO, I... I signed another contract-thing." The former spirit let out a frustrated groan as he fished a worn, folded piece of paper out of his back pocket. "I- look, it seemed important to the whole process. HERE." He then shoved the wrinkled document towards his hikari.

"..." Ryou wordlessly glanced over the sheet, his eyes widening as he recognized the infamous store logo in the upper right corner. "Wait- is _this_ why you were asking me about savings and banking the other month?!" The other duelist only nodded, not opening his clenched jaws. "You... you were trying to purchase an _engagement ring_?!"

His face red, Bakura glanced away and bitterly muttered something that sounded like, "was doing d*mn more than just 'trying'-!" But to the former thief's shock, Ryou threw the papers aside and wrapped his arms around his beau.

"Wha-?"

The face resting on his chest was smiling widely up at his own. "Bakura- I don't need a flashy ring to tell me how much I love you. And while it was very, er, _sweet_ of you to try and earn one the legal way... we _really_ can't let them spread your- er, _tiny minions_ \- all over the world."

A familiar grin stretched across the former villain's face, and he put a hand on his chin. "Hmm... I must admit, I never thought of attaining world domination that way-"

"Bakura, you're gonna start shrinking again."

 _"Damn those accursed_ _gods!"_ He yelped as he quickly glanced upwards to check on his relative height. "I was just _speculating aloud!_ "

Fascinated but flustered, Ryou sighed while ignoring the other's concerns of divine retribution. "Well, it seems like we have two choices here: one, we try and pay for the ring outright and then pawn it; **or** we can try and get the clinic to sell you everything back with what you've earned." Ryou glanced over the paperwork, feeling impressed by the proposed purchase. "Geez, Bakura; did you really have to try for such a massive stone?!"

The proud Egyptian snorted as he got back on his feet. "I was the _King of Thieves_ , hikari. To have you wearing anything less than ropes of pearls and gold-encased jewels is a sin in and of itself; I wouldn't _dare_ present a smaller gem to rest on your perfect hands."

Flushing, Ryou also stood up; his face now a mixture of flattery and disbelief. "Bakura, it's really not about the jewelry; that's just symbolic."

"Well, call me pretentious; but I'm not really about subtle symbolism."

"Do tell." There was little doubt that the pale hikari had absorbed some of his other half's sarcastic tendencies. Bakura only stuck out his tongue mockingly before Ryou carried on. "Let me guess: that's why you've been resisting any, er; 'intimacies' lately?"

"Yeah... they said the 'best samples' always come after a long period of 'inactivity' or something."

Ryou let out a light sigh of comfort. "And here I was worried that you didn't find me attractive any more..."

The thief snorted in disbelief. "Pfth- not likely. Who the hell do you think I was thinking about every time I-"

 _"OKAY that's not something we should discuss in public you know so let's drop it alright?"_ Ryou's face was turning the color of a ripe tomato, much to amusement of his devious partner.

"Such a prudish little _hikari_ \- it seems I'll have to try harder to corrupt you."

The other's expression turned flat as he wryly added, "try it, and I'll tell Marik and Malik all about this whole mess."

"You're resorting to _blackmail_?!" Bakura stopped for a moment before jokingly wrapping his arms around his beau and pretending to sob with joy. " _Hikari_ , I'm so proud of you!"

"..." Ryou decided to ignore the other's jabs. "In the meantime, we've got some serious planning to do- and I think I know just the duelist who can help us."

"So long as it's not that b*stard Pharaoh..."

"Hmm, not quite. I'm actually thinking of a certain blonde..."

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

"I am NOT telling Malik about this!"

"You won't have to."

The smug ex-spirit nodded as they made their way down the sidewalk. "Damn strai- wait, what exactly do you mean?"

" _I'm_ going to tell him."

" _ **WHAT?!"**_


	2. Chapter 2

" _..." Ryou decided to ignore Bakura's other jabs. "In the meantime, we've got some serious planning to do- and I think I know just the duelist who can help us."_

" _So long as it's not that b*stard Pharaoh..."_

" _Oh no, I'm thinking of a certain blonde..."_

" _You're kidding."_

" _Nope."_

" _I am NOT telling Malik about this!"_

" _You won't have to."_

" _Damn strai- wait, what exactly do you mean?"  
"I'm going to tell him."_

" _ **WHAT?!"**_

"You're _kidding_ me." The ancient thief trailed after his lighter half, still objecting even as the Ishtar household came into view. "I'm not telling him about-!"

Ryou ignored his yami's protests, opting instead to ring the doorbell. "It'll be _fine_ , Bakura. Besides, we need help."

" _ **Help?!**_ He's not going to _help_ ; he's going to laugh at me!"

Ryou sighed as they waited for someone to let them in. Bakura continued to grumble in a low tone about how he'd spent enough time with 'that lunatic' to know that he would be far from 'helpful.'

Sure enough, one brief explanation was all it took, and Malik began laughing so hard that he went into a wheezing fit. Bakura scowled as the oxygen-deprived blonde started to gasp and choke. The hysteric tomb-keeper then ended up actually passing out from the over-excitement over the hilarious account. Ryou tried to tend to the downed Egyptian, while Bakura watched with an oddly eager look.

"Is he dead?!"

Ryou struggled not to face-palm as he checked the Egyptian teen's pulse. "He's still breathing."

Bakura frowned and began scouring the surrounding room. "An easy enough problem to fix..."

"Bakura, put the throw pillow back- NOW."

Of course, Marik ended up coming home at just that moment. He stepped in through the front door just in time to see his precious hikari unconscious on the floor, while Bakura was holding a pillow over his head. Naturally, he assumed that the Thief King was the cause of the whole problem; and a rabid fist-fight soon broke out. Eventually Marik and Bakura had one bright shiner a piece, and Malik regained consciousness shortly afterwards. The smaller blonde kept chuckling even as he tried to give his visitors some serious advice.

"It sounds like you're screwed, Bakura- snort signing contracts like that means legal obligations- the kind even _you_ can't weasel out of."

Bakura glaringly folded his arms, clearly defying the notion of 'legal obligations.' "I've found my way out of far more perilous situations- you really think I can't find loophole or some sort of weak spot?"

Ryou seemed to be pondering something, and he had one hand on his chin as he spoke. "Maybe not... but it may not even matter. I might have an idea. Malik, can I borrow some of your make-up?"

The bronze-skinned hikari grinned at the now-darkening circle around Bakura's left eye. "Uh, I don't think you can cover that up..."

"Oh, don't worry." Ryou gave a surprisingly devious grin as tilted his head. "I don't plan to."

Everyone else blinked in bewilderment as Malik retrieved his entire collection of skin-care products. Ryou chose a few key items and then thanked the blonde duo before leading his confused yami back home. "We'll have to go over a few things, but I think this should work." He kept his gaze on the sidewalk as he inwardly tried to reassure himself. 'I hope...'

Around an hour later, Bakura was feeling pretty wretched. 'I look like a badly-behaved slave right now!' He held back a groan as he pulled open the ornate glass doors to the shop.

"Hello, welcome to Harrington's Fine Jewel- GOOD LORD!" The salesclerk behind the counter nearly jumped when he saw the disheveled young man now approaching his station. Half of the customer's face seemed to be black-and-blue; with hints of purple and red dashed throughout. He had the ghastly look of someone having been the receiving end of a vicious assault with a meat mallet.

'Well, at least Ryou's makeup job worked...' The hikari's masterful use of Malik's supplies had greatly accentuated the damage done by Marik. Bakura's previously bruised eye socket now looked like a massive, painfully fresh wound.

Remembering the 'script', Bakura gave a deep sigh before speaking to the clerk. "May I please speak with your boss on a private matter?"

"Um, certainly-" the man turned and called towards the back of the shop, "Er, Mr. Foley?" The instant the higher-up replied, the clerk dashed to the back room, apparently eager to keep distance between Bakura and himself.

An older man with a white mustache and thick eyebrows came up front. He was wearing an expensive, grey suit and seemed remarkably well-groomed. "Hello, I'm Mr. Foley, the owner of this location- I understand you wish to discuss something personal?"

The former spirit of the ring made his voice sound as dull and defeated as possible. "Yes... as you may have guessed, my fiance has just 'broken up' with me. Painfully. And I was wondering if I could pay off the rest of the balance in full in order to 'return' the ring I had on payment."

"Oh, um..." The owner seemed flustered by the whole situation, but Bakura pressed on before he could gather a further response.

"I've brought with my contract, as well as the rest of the money, in cash; quite frankly, I'd rather not have _any_ reminders of him in my home right now."

"And... you're certain this is the route you'd like to take, getting rid of the ring?"

The thief paused as he tried to remember the exact wording Ryou had practiced with him. "There's no injury or insult greater than finding that the one I wanted to spend my life with, was only just using me.

I've suffered enough pain and humiliation without dragging the local police into this whole mess. I almost wish he'd punched me twice; then I might've suffered a powerful concussion and forgotten every time we spoke, every time we laughed..." he trailed off despondently, making sure not to lay the self-pity on _too_ thick. "I may even use the money to move to Hokkaido, soon- there's just too many bad memories for me in this city."

"I see... well, it is a little against our terms and conditions to do a return on such an early-stage contract, but given the extenuating circumstances, I believe we can work something out..."

Half an hour passed, and Ryou felt himself growing somewhat anxious. Eventually, his partner emerged from the small shop, his enhanced facial wounds still looking horribly raw.

As soon as they were within speaking distance Ryou blurted out, "how did it go?"

"Alright, I think- I got everything back, _minus_ a 10% 're-stocking' fee. Which is bullspit, considering how they just put the ring right back on display, barely even shining it first!" Bakura grumbled as he tried to fold the thick wad of bills so they'd fit his back pocket.

Ryou gave a quick sigh of relief and explained the logic behind the 'fee'. "Well, they might've sold the ring while you were trying to pay it off, so I guess it's like a 'rental' charge. Either way, we're quite fortunate that-"

"Excuse me! Sir! You forgot your paperwork!" Mr. Foley suddenly came out of the shop, clearly trying to flag Bakura down. He had several pieces of paper stapled together, with a large stamp on the front page declaring the transaction's reversal to be 'valid and complete.'

Ryou quickly grabbed the papers before Bakura had to think of something else to say. "Oh! Thank you so much! He's been a bit scatter-brained ever since... well..."

The older man seemed surprised by the near-doppelganger accompanying his ex-client. "Ah, and might I ask who you are?"

"I'm his younger brother, Ryou- I'll be staying with him for a few days now that... you know." Ryou then glanced meaningfully at Bakura's injured eye socket.

"Ah, I see..."

Ryou then whispered something into the curious owner's ear, and the man gave a solemn nod. "Hmm, true, true- well then, I wish the best for you both, and if you run into any further problems regarding the ring, just call this number during our store hours." He handed the pair a glossy business card before bowing politely and dashing back into his shop.

Bakura seemed mildly impressed with the way the shop owner's attitude had changed after he'd seen them together. "Wow, this playing pathetic stuff really works!"

Ryou rolled his eyes before dryly adding: "Yes, it's almost as though _normal_ humans feel empathy or something towards their fellow man."

"Tch- no one's ever shown me empathy- er, except you, that is." He hastily amended after a sharp look from his overly-exhausted partner.

"Let's just go home- I'm ready to sleep for a month right now."

Bakura glanced in the general direction of the fertility clinic. "What about the-"

" _We'll get it back tomorrow_ -" Ryou quickly cut him off, clearly running out of patience. "Thankfully that office is open on the weekends; which is fortunate, as not all medical buildings are."

Bakura was re-counting the bills, an odd look coming over his face. 'Y'know... this probably isn't anywhere _near_ enough cash, when you think about it. I mean, I was the _King of Thieves_ in one of the most dangerous and exciting eras in history! Most women would've fallen over at the chance of bearing my offspring!"

Ryou nodded in faux-seriousness. "Yes, shock and horror does tend to do that to people."

"I _mean_ it!

"Bakura, aren't you forgetting something? There _was_ no scientific process back then- you would've had to 'do the deed' yourself!"

The darker duelist's nose twisted in disgust as he glanced back down at the stack of cash. "On second thought, this is fine."

A thin line of red tinted Ryou's face as he added: "what shocks and terrifies _**me**_ is that a place like that wouldn't have kept giving you payments if your 'samples' had been sterile- which means your 3,000 year-old 'little swimmers' are still _working_!"

Bakura gave a smirk of pride, his expression growing haughty. "What can I say? Determination and stubbornness are two of my best traits."

"Then we're just lucky we didn't have any 'mishaps' of our own- like you said, modern science can do miracles..."

"Wait- you're not saying- _you're not_ \- _**you can't get pregnant, right?!**_ "

Ryou raised an eyebrow and snorted. He figured he'd earned a little enjoyment after the past few hours of stresses and fabrications. "Well, it's the twenty-first century now, Bakura- what do YOU think?"

"Ryou? You're joking, right? Ryou? _**RYOU?!"**_

And so the hapless thief was forced to chase down his laughing lover, much to the bemusement of the other Domino City sidewalk pedestrians.


End file.
